Feb 22 2014

How We Met: The Start

Category: Uncategorizedadmin @ 4:05 pm

By: Mari Deene:  When I look back now, I realize that we had a lot of things against us.  We met when we were very young.  Statistically, we should not have worked.  I was seventeen years old when I met the man who I would eventually (after way too long and too many mistakes) marry.  I wish I could tell you that I knew I was going to marry him on site. But, I surely didn’t.  At the time, I had bigger things to worry about it.  And, at that time, I only saw him as something that would complicate my life.  And quite frankly, he was not what I would imagine my future husband to look like, although the sight of him nearly brought me to my knees.  The whole of him added up to absolute perfection although the specific parts were not.  His nose was slightly crooked.  His front left tooth was slightly chipped – both the result of a car accident.  But his blue eyes were the color of water on a Bahamas beach.  His crooked smile took my breath away.  He made me laugh like no one in the world ever had or ever will.

Still, I resisted him with everything I had.  We met at a high school job at a restaurant.   He was showing me how to fill up plates of food on a buffet line.  We were loading down mashed potatoes trying to keep them full and he pushed my hand down into the steaming hot mashed potatoes trying to be funny.  Romantic, right?  He thought that this was hilarious and he showed up at my car after our shifts, certain that I was going to drive him home.  (He lived within five minutes of the restaurant and usually walked.)

I drove him home that night – because I was very confident that nothing would come of it.  He was one year younger than me.  We went to different schools.  And I was headed to my dream school for college in the fall – four hours away.  Little did I know how completely wrong I was.  Next up, the whirlwind


Feb 22 2014

The Whirlwind

Category: Uncategorizedadmin @ 4:03 pm

We actually met in February.  I was set to go to school in the fall – August.  From that February to that August, we were absolutely inseparable.  It didn’t matter that we didn’t go to the same school.  We were constantly, talking, texting, and seeing one another at the restaurant.  Not every one supported us.  And I think this is because we were completely different.   He was laid back, called irresponsible, and happy to life live by the seat of his pants.  I was very serious, ambitious, and didn’t do anything without carefully planning it out first. We were a definite mis match.  But we seemed to work.  We constantly laughed during our time together and he made me feel a freedom and a joy that I’d never felt before.  I begged my parents to let me go to school closer to home, but they refused.  They didn’t think he was the boy for me and they weren’t about to pay for college when I already had a scholarship.  So we did the long distance thing.  When we were apart, it wasn’t the same.  But every time we were together again, it was as if time hadn’t passed at all.

I wish that I could tell you that we committed to each other right then and there – but that is not the truth.  I would have loved that, but I could never get it to happen.  I tried very hard to get him to pursue a college or a career in the same town where I was, but it never happened.  Because he shrugged off most responsibilities, his grades weren’t where they needed to be.  And the thing that made the most financial sense for him was to work for his dad – still four hours away from me.

I tried many ploys to change this.  I made threats.  I gave ultimatums.  I even faked a pregnancy.  And all of these things did was to break us up.   I was honestly devastated.  My world seemed very different without him.  I was back to my old boring life.  Academically and professionally, I thrived.   But personally, I struggled.  I really did try to tell myself that being stuck in limbo as far as romance went was holding me back.  I was up and coming.  I didn’t have time in my life for this.  We were too different so I was better off without him.  But in my heart, I knew that it wasn’t true.  But, at the time, I really didn’t have much of a choice.  I could not chase him when I lived four hours away.  So I had to put it on the back burner until I could graduate, which is what I did.

I actually had other relationships with perfectly good people.  But none touched what I had with him.  Next up, how I got a sliver or another chance.


Feb 22 2014

A Sliver Of Hope

Category: Uncategorizedadmin @ 4:03 pm

Once I graduated, I went back home.  One of my parents was in bad health and this just made the most sense.  I ran into him and we began to see one another once again.  I was thrilled.  I thought that this was finally when I was going to get what I always wanted.  My hard work in college had paid off.  I had a decent job.  And I suddenly had another chance in the relationship that had always been the most important to me.  I was actually quite happy.

Until every one around us starting getting married and having babies.   One of my best friends and one of his best friends started a relationship (which thrilled us at the time because we could double date) and where married within a year.  This hurt me very badly.  I was thrilled and happy for my friend.  But she had what I wanted.  They were honestly mis matched also, but they made it work for them.  They lived in a dumpy apartment in a bad part of town, but they were so happy.

I wanted this.  And that is when I started nagging for it.  And that is pretty much when I ruined everything.  Because the man who I loved saw himself as someone who didn’t plan, didn’t take orders, and didn’t respond well to pressure.  So what did I do?  Turned the pressure up.   And what was the result?  Well, he thought I’d sold him a bill of goods.

He was happy and relieved that we were able to pick up our relationship again, but he suddenly thought we had done it under false pretenses.  Because all of a sudden he wondered if I had an agenda.  I suppose I did.  I didn’t want to lose him again.  I didn’t want to have another relationship that was so open ended.  I finally had him back and my worst fear was losing him once again.   I wasn’t going to let that happen and so all of a sudden, I was responding to fear. And I’ll text you next how I messed it up all over again.


Feb 22 2014

A Series Of Huge Mistakes – Losing Everything I Always Wanted

Category: Uncategorizedadmin @ 4:02 pm

Here is the biggest mistake that I made.  I didn’t learn a thing from my previous history.   As unbelievable as it may sound, I was able to completely discard the lessons that I should have learned when I pressured him before while I was at college.   I forgot how if felt being all alone four hours away simply because I pushed too hard for something he was resisting.  Why I hadn’t learned that lesson, I still don’t know.

Looking back now, what I should have seen was this.  Here was a man who backed away from me the second I started playing games. And yet here I was, lining up to play another one.   Here I was trying to strong arm someone who was so very resistant to being manipulated and who defined himself as someone who was very resistant to having any one else control his life.

I knew his personality better than anyone else.  His wish to be free and to be his own boss was something that had attracted me all along and here I was trying to change that and take it away.  I didn’t see it at the time – because I could only see that I was at the age when all of my friends were getting married.  So I was trying to push my own agenda onto him.  I should have known that would risk losing him.

But I hoped that he felt the same way I did – that we had lost each other once and we didn’t want to do it again.  I figured he’d be willing to pay the price to keep us together – getting married.  But I was wrong about that.  Because the more I pushed, the more fragile our relationship become.   And so I lost him all over again.  And honestly, after that, I thought he was out of my life.  I thought that I’d gone and ruined it for good.  And so I focused on my career for a really long time.  I tried very hard to put him out of my mind.  And I had no choice but for this to work – at least for a little while. It would be a while before the light bulb ignited in my head, which changed everything.

 

 

 


Feb 22 2014

An Important Realization

Category: Uncategorizedadmin @ 4:02 pm

I think the start of a huge change in my thought process was when my friend her husband separated (remember the mutual couple friend that made marriage so important to me in the first place?)  Well, after about eighteen months of marriage, they separated and nearly divorced.  Because we were both sort of single and had been friends since elementary school, we spent a lot of time together.  My friend was actually seeking counseling for both her marriage and for how she was dealing with a couple of different issues in her life.  And honestly, this had been helping her a great deal.  She became a much different person.

One day, we were talking about our failed relationships and she told me that one thing that she had learned in counseling was that the relationship was more important to her than the name you called it.  She said: “I don’t really care if we end up divorced so long as I can still have him in my life in some capacity.   Being apart has made me realize that he’s the most important person in my life.  I’d settle for just being his friend if it comes to that, but I don’t want to banish him from my life simply because we look at things differently.  My life is missing something without him in it.  I don’t care if he’s my husband. I just want him in my life.”

I honestly think I was holding my breath during this conversation.  The bell of recognition in my brain was ringing.  Because she was absolutely right.  I had been focusing on getting something out of the relationship – marriage- when all along, I should have just been focused on the relationship.  Because she was absolutely right. Being without the person you love and know you are supposed to be with hurts.  It’s so lonely.  It isn’t right.  I decided right then and there that if I ever got another chance, my focus would be the relationship.  I did and it was.  And that was the start of finally getting what I wanted.


Feb 22 2014

Changing The Way I Looked At And Approached My Relationship Made All Of The Difference

Category: Uncategorizedadmin @ 4:02 pm

I wish I could tell you that I immediately got my chance.  But I didn’t.  It was actually a very long time before we were in relationship again.  And when we were, we were not kids anymore.  We were adults who were very different people from those who had met at a restaurant.

Anyway, I made good on the promise that I made to myself.  When I got another chance, I focused on the relationship, not on the definition of the relationship.  And this was the right thing to do because it absolutely transformed our relationship – which went from sort of puppy love based on attraction and chemistry to an adult relationship based on mutual respect and our support and genuine love for one another.

Honestly, when my attitude changed, our relationship was better than it had ever been.  And this went on for some time.  But then, something serious happened.  My biological clock started ticking.  Before, I saw all of my friends getting married.  But now, I saw all of my friends having babies.  And being around all of those babies had a profound effect on me.

Because I knew right then that as much as I loved this man, I wasn’t willing to not have children to be with him.  And having children meant marriage for me.  I was all for not defining a relationship, but I believe that when you have kids, the ideal scenario is to have married parents.  I realize that this is only my opinion and that there are plenty of families that thrive without married parents.  But this was important to me.

However, I knew that I was not going to approach this in the same way.  I did not want to lose him again.  Yes, I wanted children.  But I wanted children with HIM.  So I started trying to educate myself on how to do this in the right way.  I read many resources, but one that stuck out was the ebook “Girl Gets Ring”  And the video that went along with it.  It is written from a man’s perspective and it makes a lot of sense.   It allows you to see what might be holding him back.  Honestly, it allowed me to consider things that I hadn’t thought of before.

It taught me how to identity and address his reservations in a positive way without making veiled threats or ultimatums. I was absolutely positive I was not going to do this again.  I was only going to do things if it helped our relationship rather than hurt it.  If not, it just wasn’t worth it to me.

Also, I moved very slowly.  I did not want to rush this process.  Because I wanted to do it correctly.  And I didn’t want him to marry me because he felt that he had no choice or because I had finally worn him down.  I wanted him to marry me because he wanted it as badly as I did.

So I very methodically tried the things that rang true for me in the book.   I did this over time – and only one thing at a time.  Eventually, it did work.  He very willingly wanted to commit to me. I think that part of it was that we had just reached the point in our relationship where we knew that it was time.  BUT I think a HUGE part of it is that he saw that I had changed.

He saw first hand that I was not the out of control girl who resorted to adolescent tactics to get what I want.  I respect him too much for that. I value our relationship too much for that.  And I believe that this made all of the difference.

I wish it didn’t take me so long to learn these lessons.  But I did learn them.  And I did get the only man for me.  I hope that this helps.  I know how frustrating it is to know that you are supposed to be with this person but to keep messing it up over and over again.  The best advice I can give you is to stop doing something when you see that it is hurting your relationship and to look for a more positive alternative.  You can see the free video that I am talking about here.