I wish I could tell you that I immediately got my chance. But I didn’t. It was actually a very long time before we were in relationship again. And when we were, we were not kids anymore. We were adults who were very different people from those who had met at a restaurant.
Anyway, I made good on the promise that I made to myself. When I got another chance, I focused on the relationship, not on the definition of the relationship. And this was the right thing to do because it absolutely transformed our relationship – which went from sort of puppy love based on attraction and chemistry to an adult relationship based on mutual respect and our support and genuine love for one another.
Honestly, when my attitude changed, our relationship was better than it had ever been. And this went on for some time. But then, something serious happened. My biological clock started ticking. Before, I saw all of my friends getting married. But now, I saw all of my friends having babies. And being around all of those babies had a profound effect on me.
Because I knew right then that as much as I loved this man, I wasn’t willing to not have children to be with him. And having children meant marriage for me. I was all for not defining a relationship, but I believe that when you have kids, the ideal scenario is to have married parents. I realize that this is only my opinion and that there are plenty of families that thrive without married parents. But this was important to me.
However, I knew that I was not going to approach this in the same way. I did not want to lose him again. Yes, I wanted children. But I wanted children with HIM. So I started trying to educate myself on how to do this in the right way. I read many resources, but one that stuck out was the ebook “Girl Gets Ring” And the video that went along with it. It is written from a man’s perspective and it makes a lot of sense. It allows you to see what might be holding him back. Honestly, it allowed me to consider things that I hadn’t thought of before.
It taught me how to identity and address his reservations in a positive way without making veiled threats or ultimatums. I was absolutely positive I was not going to do this again. I was only going to do things if it helped our relationship rather than hurt it. If not, it just wasn’t worth it to me.
Also, I moved very slowly. I did not want to rush this process. Because I wanted to do it correctly. And I didn’t want him to marry me because he felt that he had no choice or because I had finally worn him down. I wanted him to marry me because he wanted it as badly as I did.
So I very methodically tried the things that rang true for me in the book. I did this over time – and only one thing at a time. Eventually, it did work. He very willingly wanted to commit to me. I think that part of it was that we had just reached the point in our relationship where we knew that it was time. BUT I think a HUGE part of it is that he saw that I had changed.
He saw first hand that I was not the out of control girl who resorted to adolescent tactics to get what I want. I respect him too much for that. I value our relationship too much for that. And I believe that this made all of the difference.
I wish it didn’t take me so long to learn these lessons. But I did learn them. And I did get the only man for me. I hope that this helps. I know how frustrating it is to know that you are supposed to be with this person but to keep messing it up over and over again. The best advice I can give you is to stop doing something when you see that it is hurting your relationship and to look for a more positive alternative. You can see the free video that I am talking about here.